Sunshine, Rainbows and Bananas

I went to my 34 week check-up.  For the first time, I did not sugar coat how I was feeling when the nurse asked me.  I had a rough night of contractions on and off, and was feeling down-right crummy with a pounding headache still for my appointment at 3:30 in the afternoon.  The doctor came in and said the best bet would be to perform a fetal fibronectin swab test to see if I was in pre-term labor.  She was sure that the result would be negative - but without being able to check my cervix since I'm a ticking bomb - this was our only option to prove I could make it another 3 weeks.  If the test was negative, it meant staying pregnant at least 2 more weeks. If positive, I would likely go into labor within 5 days.  I got the call the next morning. Freaking positive.

I had all of my kids (my own and daycare) huddled around the breakfast table when I got the call. Gut punch. I scurried into the laundry room so the kids didn't see me cry as I talked through the next steps with the nurse.  I was shocked, as was she.  I needed to get to the hospital within a couple hours to get the first round of steroid shots for his lungs to mature more quickly.  I was familiar with these from my last pregnancy.  BUT, I was told at the beginning of this pregnancy that the shots would be out of the question this time since new research has come down since Archer's birth that indicates a stronger correlation with brain bleeds than benefit for the baby's lungs.  Cool.  I got the daycare kids picked-up and Daniel made it home for a half-day to take me to the hospital.  Between the progesterone shots and the steroid rounds I have been poked in the booty 23 times this pregnancy.  

The following day I needed to return to the hospital for the second round.  I woke up feeling even worse than the day prior with a pounding headache, so much pressure, and swollen (so I knew my blood pressure was probably up).  I asked the triage nurse if she could check my bp while I was there for the shot.  She hooked me up to the monitor to check bp and fetal non-stress.  Luckily, after a couple hours I was good to go rest at home and pray to stay pregnant until the steroid shots could work their magic.  I had three tiny goals to get to.  1.) stay pregnant until Saturday for steroid shots to work on his lungs, 2.) stay pregnant until Monday so I could get the next round of progesterone which may help carry me until, 3.) stay pregnant until the following Thursday when I would see my midwife for my 35 week checkup and make a new plan.

I swear to goodness, I don't know how I am still pregnant.  The doctors don't know how I am still pregnant.  But here we are, 36 weeks.  It's still very worrisome.  I feel like a ticking bomb.

I had my 36 week check with the doctor who will perform my c-section next week.  I despise her lack of bedside manner (that's for another post when I'm feeling ballsy).  She did check me and I am sitting pretty at 2.5cm dilated.  I seriously CANNOT go into active labor at this point.  I have one week until I get to meet his sweet face.  I need to stay pregnant for one more week.  Let's do it.

I am stuck between singing "Mama Mia, here we go again!" and "Oh, why you got to be so complicated?" (any other 90's Avril fans out there?)  But seriously, I would take a normal pregnancy any day over these complicated/worrisome ones that make my head spin.  WARNING: this is a really long post because a.) it requires back story, b.) I'm hormonal and pregnant, which means I have hardly a filter and tend to ramble. Sorry.

A little back story and reason for this post.  Three years ago (tomorrow) I had a miracle rainbow baby, Larkin Olivia.  She came after a very rough year of cervical cancer, losing a baby as a result, and recovering my mind and soul.  Followed by three rounds of fertility treatments to see those little pink lines again.  The pregnancy was perfect.  Better than perfect!  But at 39 weeks when I went in to deliver her, my entire fate of future babies changed.  I still, three years later, cannot go into all of the details about it and relive it in this way (yet).  But my midwife saved my life.  I delivered her naturally, without drugs, and then after all that my cervix had been through the year prior, I hemorrhaged and nearly died on the table.  My midwife saved my life.  It was the "medical opinion" that I count my blessings and not get pregnant again.  I should have a radical hysterectomy once I was done nursing that next year.  But a year later - we accidentally got pregnant.

Since my midwife knew what to expect in some way, we were a little more prepared for the delivery this time and we knew I would have to get an epidural at 10cm to be able to endure the pain of stopping the hemorrhaging and procedures that would likely follow delivery.  Then at 23 weeks, I had no measurable cervix.  Hey God, thanks for the curve ball.  Long story short (again - I've tried to block that emotional stress and haven't been able to lay out all of the complications that followed) - we made it to 40 weeks exactly with a lot of medical intervention and prayer.  Delivery went as expected, and I kissed death on the table once more.  The hysterectomy was rescheduled for the following December (2019) when I would be anticipated to be done nursing little miss Archer Elaina.

Anddddddd then.....9 months later we accidentally got pregnant, again.  The complications keep compiling, one on top of the other.  I wake at night in a panic.  If you see me regularly, you might not even know that I am screaming on the inside or in so much pain that I don't want to get out of bed most days.  But that's just what moms do.  Push through.  And pray. Like, a lot.

So all of this back story ranting to bring you to my predicament.  I need your help.  Until this past February I worked on a college campus, filled with individuals from all stages of life that I could bounce ideas off of and make hard-fast decisions with.  Some of the best adventures I've taken on were brainstormed between the four walls of my former office.  Given that now I sing songs with toddlers all day and clean their faces of mac n' cheese - I figured I would take to the blog.  If you are reading this and have prayed for this baby boy, thank you.  If you would like to weigh in on the latest saga, read on and message me please.

This pregnancy has provided even MORE complications than the last, if that is even possible.  This time around, I had hardly a cervix at 14 weeks.  I started receiving progesterone shots weekly from an in-home care nurse.  I've been on modified (not strict, like last year) bedrest at home since then.  Which, is bedrest even a thing when you already have 3 kids?? :)  At 22 weeks they found a placenta abnormality that is extremely rare (of course - like, 1% rare).  And, given what my body has decided to do in the delivery room, my team has decided to do a c-section around the 37 week mark.  With each of my past pregnancies I have dilated to 4.5/5 and just sit there for about 3 weeks.  NO MATTER WHAT I DO TO PROGRESS THINGS.  Then I show up at the hospital and have my water broken and BOOM, go to 10 in a few hours to push the baby out.  They want to take me early so that my cervix doesn't have a chance to go into active labor.  But late enough that the baby will be developed for the outside world since the closest NICU is hours away.  Talk about a delicate window of time to find the sweet spot.  All of this is provided I make it past the 32 week mark - which was the goal set at 14 weeks with everything working against me.  Prayer and progesterone. It has to work.

So, I am 37 weeks on Thanksgiving day.  That's when they have things scheduled.  See - I have to call it "things" because I still cannot wrap my heart around a surgery to get this baby out.  It completely freaks me out.  I need all cesarean momma's to give me their love and TIPS. For 3 births now I have literally pushed a baby out in two pushes, and immediately nursed, peed and ate the grossest, biggest meal the cafeteria could offer. This is foreign territory to me and I can't deal.

This past week we had our anatomy scan to see how he is growing.  Best news ever...he is doing better than expected and we may have another man-child on our hands like big brother.  But I still had so much anxiety and worry for the early delivery.  I know they are trying to make sure I make it through - but it's complicated.  So I brought all of my concerns and am left with 3 options. I need to call the office with my decision.  And I literally cannot decide.

Option 1: Keep the Thanksgiving (36w6d) delivery date at local hospital

Option 2: Keep Thanksgiving deliver date, move to hospital with level 1 nursery (not NICU)

Option 3:  Move the delivery date to after Thanksgiving (more like 37w4d) at local hospital

What does a momma do to choose the lesser evil?  And this is if I make it that far, given the complications (but that's how I have to think and did last year too....I believe in the power of positive thinking and prayer.  I WILL MAKE IT TO MY DUE DATE!)  Help, friends!!

The Original

Cael Thomas Rambo, the boy who made me a mother - wow, it has been a fun ride. The original owner of this piece of my heart.  We had you all to ourselves for four whole years, which was so special.  You changed me as a person in such a good way.  I feel so blessed to watch you grow and flow through all of the milestones and new adventures.  And you do it all so effortlessly that sometimes we have to take a beat to remember that you are only 6 years old, but you've always been our little man. Your imagination and creativity astound me!  When you giggle, the room can't help but smile. You are an amazing big brother. Like - better than I could have ever expected, especially given the age differences.  And when I have a baby in my tummy you are probably the most excited in the family and treat me like a queen - always hugging the baby and talking to my belly. 
You are awesome.

The Remix

My sweet Larkin Olivia, you are so beautiful inside and out. You are the smartest, sweetest and sassiest girl I have ever met.  You have been forming sentences since you could speak...so it's no surprise that you could not keep this little secret of ours.  Daddy and I laugh so hard recalling the day at your brother's baseball game that you announced to the whole stand of parents that "Mommy needs to just have a quick snack (I keep book, so she was warning them I needed to take a break from paying attention) because she has a little baby growing in her tummy and she is really hungry" :)
The struggles it took to get pregnant with you are some that I will never forget. It tested our marriage after we had just rebounded from the cancer diagnosis and treatment into remission.  To think that we were only one month away from a scheduled hysterectomy to remove any chance of the cancer ever returning - but that third round of fertility meds worked like a charm and you have been our lucky charm ever since.  I have no idea what we would do without your sweetness in our life.

The Encore

This world needed an Archer Elaina - no matter what hell fire I had to go through to get you here.  Your pregnancy and birth story is not one I am emotionally ready to tell completely yet (hence the silence on this platform).  You were a surprise pregnancy that we were so excited for from the beginning.  It took a quick turn and tested my soul and spirit more than I thought was possible.  But you have given me life everyday since I held you in my arms.  Nobody better get in your way in this life because you have already climbed mountains! It was such a blast not finding out your gender until we met you. You are happy, curious, and almost always content....everything anyone would hope for in a child!  I am in complete denial that you turn one in less than a month.  But, you were the babe that allowed me to stay home and watch every milestone happen.  We always knew if we ever were blessed enough to have a third, the costs of daycare would outweigh my paycheck enough to justify being home for a few years.  You have been the best surprise yet.


Mic Drop!

No - this was NOT supposed to happen.  In fact, the exact second that I had an inkling I was pregnant (begrudgingly setting down my red wine on the coffee table to go up and take a test) - the sound of my midwife in the delivery room almost stopped me in my tracks.  I cannot even count how many times she said to me, Daniel and my mom "we cannot do this again....you CANNOT do this again!!"  And again at my 6 week post-partum appointment, "in my medical opinion - you should not have another baby and we should schedule a hysterectomy as soon as you are done nursing next winter."  Then, guess what - positive.  Freaking positive.  To not go into too many details - I am here to personally attest that IT ONLY TAKES ONE TIME folks.  Or at least in my post "infertile" life - this has now happened TWICE.  God is funny like that.  After we wrapped our head around this, we had to go to the principal's doctor's office.  That was the craziest appointment I have ever been to.  We saw the ultrasound tech, two nurses and the receptionist.  All four looked at me worried and said "are you scared to see her (meaning Susan, my amazing midwife)"  YES!  It was terrifying!  I thought for sure she would say we needed to terminate the pregnancy.  Instead, she calmly said we needed to figure out a plan A, B and C - Z to make it through with both a healthy momma and baby at the end.  So here we go again.  This time has been scarier and harder than I could imagine.  Yes, we are so so so blessed and can't wait to be a family of SIX.  But geesh - what I wouldn't give for a normal, run of the mill, extraordinarily happy pregnancy like we got to have the first two times. I will try to muster up a post about all of the complications we have had in the last year (yes, those are still very fresh on my mind, yet somehow also memory-blocked) with Archer's pregnancy and those we have already and are likely to face this time.  It is emotional.  I am not quite myself.  I want to be excited - I AM excited.  But also worried. I already have a baby in heaven and that was unbearable.  As with the last pregnancy - the baby is growing perfectly. My body is just failing me in every way and providing new challenges that are exhausting.
We are due on December 19, but will be delivering at 37 weeks exactly (hopefully) on 
Thanksgiving Day.  Let's do this baby!!

Happy Halloween!! 

Wow! I cannot believe 5 years have passed by so quickly.  You're officially a big kid.  This year was filled with fun!  You had a lot of firsts, and learned new tricks.  You're learning so much and we are so impressed with how smart you are!  You are one of the most creative, inteligent and sweetest kid I've ever met.  I am so blessed you are mine.  Love you, Cael-bo.

Baby girl...how did the last year fly by?  It flew on wings of laughter and a heart so full.  With eyes so blue that you have won over every heart you encounter.  The year flew by with adventures with your big brother who is your absolute favorite person on this planet.  It was filled with curiosity and tenacity.  A few temper tantrums, not many, thankfully.  Wow - there it went.  I remember the day you were born like it was this morning.  It was a perfect Sunday and you are the PERFECT addition to our family.  Larkin Olivia, your name has many meanings and that was very important to us when choosing what people would call you.  You are our miracle babe.  Larkin can mean "silent," "fierce," or a "brave warrior."  You are silent when you watch and study your surroundings to learn everything there is to know.  Or when you watch someone to mimic them later.  The other day you watch Cael and I play piano.  You sat there and just watched, so still.  The next day you were standing on your very tippy toes to play a tune and smiled so big with pride that you could make noise with your fingers too.  Of course you are "fierce."  You have fierce eyes that make me give in at every turn.  You shake and point when you know exactly what you want, and push something away (not rude, just with force) when you are sure you don't.  We love you so much, princess. Happy Birthday, Lolo.

Though she be but little, she is fierce.

- William Shakespeare 

The 4th of July is such a fun holiday to celebrate our freedom with friends and family.  I am a huge fan of summer get-togethers, and when you add fireworks into the mix...it's a party!  This year, we had a lot going on with the house and some unforeseen disasters (more on that later...this is a happy post!) so it was nice to relax with two of our favorite families with good food and cheap entertainment (our kiddos).  Daniel and I had come to a stopping point on the back porch/yard progress while we waited for the concrete contractor to add drains, railing, etc.  I was even able to add some plants/flowers to pretty it up a bit before the party.

My husbands twin has two adorable girls.  When we all get together, the kids play like siblings (see picture above...this was one of about 10 like this).  It makes our job as parents so much easier!!  Our other friends that came have a son that was born a week prior to Larkin.  Yes, we are planning their life together -- it's fine.

See more picture below from our fun day celebrating!

My husband is a teacher and wrestling coach...which means two things: 6 months out of the year he is TOTALLY out of commission, and for exactly 3 months I have my very own Chip Gaines (and daddy daycare!).  Bring on the summer honey-do project list!  We LOVE our house and have tackled so many projects since moving in.  But, we have found that we are either in project mode, or maintenance mode. We can't do both.

When we start to tackle a project in the house, it takes all of our extra time and energy once the kids are fed and happy (or sleeping, in most cases).  Then the house becomes mass chaos of a mess.  Literally, there is no maintaining any sort of order when we are in project mode.  Does anyone else have the problem?  Or a solution, perhaps?  In the throws of our latest project of tearing off the back porch, there wasn't a clean dish or pair of underwear to be found.  We finally got to a stopping point while we wait on the concrete repairs and we took a look at our house through the cobwebs.  Gross!  It took every bit of the 4-day weekend for the holiday to get things cleaned up and put away....including things from vacation....last month. 

Did I mention that messes stress me out?  Like, if our house makes the day-to-day harder, my anxiety goes through the roof and I want to immediately organize all.the.things.  But then there's this construction zone that needs my attention instead so we can call the project DONE-ZO.  

It's a vicious cycle!  And everything starts to resemble"If You Give A Mouse A Cookie."

So for all of you DIY-ers in the world...can I get an amen?  Or some helpful hints would be nice too.

How did we get so lucky?

Cael and Larkin have hands-down, the best daddy they could ever wish for! Daniel is a big kid himself who loves to play.  There is almost always an impromptu wrestling match in the living room between D and our little ninja.  And he treats Larkin like a princess!

We're so excited to spoil him with love this Father's day, and every day. He is the most hard-working  and dedicated man in the world.  Our kids have an excellent role model. I fell in love with him 12 years ago, but even more so on the day each of our kids was born.  Watching him become the greatest daddy to our little crew has been amazing.  We love you!

We love dressing our kiddos in stylish (and affordable) clothes for special occasions.  

We love it even more when these clothes can serve more than a one-time purpose.  Bring on family vacation game night AND fourth of July!  A friend of ours (thanks, Trisha!) bought Larkin this adorable tank/tutu combo from the Cat & Jack line at Target...how cute is that!?  I knew as soon as I saw it that we could be "Team America" for game night on vacation, and was able to grab this tank from Carters for Cael (for under $10, using promo code: SUNNYDAY). 

I can't wait to watch their eyes light up when the fireworks BOOM and we celebrate our freedom!

**This post is not sponsored by Target or Carters....I just love their products.

Do you ever get so overwhelmed with "the list" that you don't know where to start?  Like, no matter if you just dive in to tackle one of the tasks, it won't be enough because there are just too many lingering.  That's where I am at with this blog.  Scratch that...that's where I am with life at the moment.  I struggle every day with trying to savor every moment with the kids, keep our house semi-presentable, and watching my to-do list {that I've created on the ceiling when I can't sleep at night} grow by the second.  I've tried to make a plan of attack...but I can't get something done start-to-finish without a thousand interruptions, or the feeling that I something else on the list is priority.  Each thing is going to take time.  But, for the blog I've got to start them all at once! So here goes.

But first...a look at my "excuses" to ignore the to-do's

The plan...

Update the blog design/template

Post updates for baby Larkin (for goodness sakes...she is 5 months old)

Post updates on Cael

Add tabs for Food/Recipes, Home Decor, DIY, etc

The timeline...

I'm self-imposing a June 1 deadline, for many reasons.  My professional life is a bit slower in the summer months and I like to take advantage of that time with my family to make the best memories. And, I know myself...if I don't put it on my calendar, it will get pushed back until the next time I beat myself up over it.

Who's with me?

Its been just over a month since I posted about the current struggle our little family is facing.  In the midst of heartache, recovery and healing....I have more urge then ever to get back into blogging.  I do have an update on my health, and will share that soon.  I'm finding it difficult to write it, say it out loud, and relive through words.  Please know that I am on the mend, and there is hope, but continued prayers are very much appreciated.

Now, for the fun!  Back to the "Weekend Wrap-Up" posts.  Here we go!

This weekend's theme: "Rain on your wedding day is good luck"

We unpacked moved our clothes from the Florida suitcases to weekend duffle bags and headed to my hometown for a wedding.  I was excited to go to another darkside wedding extravaganza, and was planning on it just being me and Cael while Daniel stayed behind to paint the front porch.  Then we looked at the forecast....

Friday night we made it in after work and enjoyed the company of my sisters and their men.  We are beyond blessed that as sisters we have found significant others that not only get along, but often leave us to have adventures on their own.  This night was no different as they escaped the madness for a bit to go to the local bar, while us girls had some time with each other and the kids (and if you follow me on instagram, some of these will be repeats).  

It seems every weekend for the past two months has been filled with chaos, and much of the same.  Packing, searching for something to eat in our kitchen that gets more bare by the minute so we are making strange meals out of nothing, and trying to soak up one last bit of Virginia before the big move.

FRIDAY:  Daniel got home from being in Ohio for a week and rescued me came to get the baby from my office around lunch time so I could frantically get some work done before the weekend, and more importantly, before my last week of work.  When I got home, we played with Cael and decompressed a bit since he had been up since five and drove over 8 hours.  Then we got in the car to head to dinner...the old hat routine of not knowing where to end up but too hungry to really care if it was scraps from a dumpster.  It was pushing Cael's bedtime (that's quickly becoming a habit on Friday nights these days) and so we wanted something quick and easy.  After rattling off everything we know we won't be able to get in Ohio in a week after the move....Noodles, Potbelly, Fosters...we somehow always land on "The Hotel" otherwise known as City Tavern in Old Towne.  Anyone that knows my husband or has come to visit, will understand why we have eaten here about 550 times in the past month to get our complete "fill."

Weekends are busy.  Weekends with a child are just bananas.  So instead of compiling all of the crazy details/pictures of the weekends in a month into the monthly post, I decided to give this a try.  Bring on: Weekly Wrap-Up.  I actually wanted to start this a few weeks ago, so don't be surprised if there are a few back-dated entries added soon. ;)

This weekend:

-  Friday we had our first night out since baby...with a sitter...at bedtime.  Luckily, we had the most amazing sitter in the world.  She is truly a pro (I mean, afterall, this is what she does!)  So after playing, eating and a little fussing, she got Cael to go to sleep while we went with friends to have dinner and drinks.  It was the perfect night of laughs and adult conversation...and a perfect ending picking up sweet baby boy, all snuggled up with Stephanie and Noah.

- Saturday morning we cleaned the house, as per usual.  We finally managed to lower the crib (and with that, found about a dozen pacifiers that had fallen through!).  Then had "date night in" (Tilapia with a home-made strawberry/mango salsa)

This Weekend:

We lounged, played, napped and ate...in the order, and on repeat. :)

- Friday night, we had our usual "I don't know what I'm hungry for, but I'm starving...I'm too tired to cook since it's Friday...oh crum, now it's almost Cael's bedtime and we still haven't decided what to eat...let's just go drive and see where we land" scenario that happens almost weekly (we can't be the only couple that does this..but seriously, it's annoying!)  We landed at Qdoba.  We haven't been there in about three years.  We sat outside and pushed Cael's bedtime back (woo hoo...living on the edge!!) and enjoyed each other's company.

- Saturday morning Cael surprised us by waking up at 9 (ha! probably thanks to the late night partying!)  After he nursed, he was in a funny mood.  Squealing to his little heart's content and just playing with everything he could get his hands on.  Then, we all headed to the train festival in Old Towne.  It was neat, and Cael loves "choo choos" as his cousin Waylon calls them.  Bad news...my semi-new phone fell off the stroller and shattered into pieces.  We headed to Verizon, and of course, I bought it from Target so it is not covered by insurance. FAIL. Off to figure out alternative solutions.  Then we headed home and lounged outside.

- Sunday we had a Pizza Playdate with cousin Harper at their house before their big move to Ohio, coming up at the end of this month.  Playdates are so much more entertaining now that the babies are mobile, and they realize they can play together instead of just batting at the other's head, or grabbing ears.  That's not to say that they don't still do that...but afterwards, they laugh. :)