Sunshine, Rainbows and Bananas

I am stuck between singing "Mama Mia, here we go again!" and "Oh, why you got to be so complicated?" (any other 90's Avril fans out there?)  But seriously, I would take a normal pregnancy any day over these complicated/worrisome ones that make my head spin.  WARNING: this is a really long post because a.) it requires back story, b.) I'm hormonal and pregnant, which means I have hardly a filter and tend to ramble. Sorry.

A little back story and reason for this post.  Three years ago (tomorrow) I had a miracle rainbow baby, Larkin Olivia.  She came after a very rough year of cervical cancer, losing a baby as a result, and recovering my mind and soul.  Followed by three rounds of fertility treatments to see those little pink lines again.  The pregnancy was perfect.  Better than perfect!  But at 39 weeks when I went in to deliver her, my entire fate of future babies changed.  I still, three years later, cannot go into all of the details about it and relive it in this way (yet).  But my midwife saved my life.  I delivered her naturally, without drugs, and then after all that my cervix had been through the year prior, I hemorrhaged and nearly died on the table.  My midwife saved my life.  It was the "medical opinion" that I count my blessings and not get pregnant again.  I should have a radical hysterectomy once I was done nursing that next year.  But a year later - we accidentally got pregnant.

Since my midwife knew what to expect in some way, we were a little more prepared for the delivery this time and we knew I would have to get an epidural at 10cm to be able to endure the pain of stopping the hemorrhaging and procedures that would likely follow delivery.  Then at 23 weeks, I had no measurable cervix.  Hey God, thanks for the curve ball.  Long story short (again - I've tried to block that emotional stress and haven't been able to lay out all of the complications that followed) - we made it to 40 weeks exactly with a lot of medical intervention and prayer.  Delivery went as expected, and I kissed death on the table once more.  The hysterectomy was rescheduled for the following December (2019) when I would be anticipated to be done nursing little miss Archer Elaina.

Anddddddd then.....9 months later we accidentally got pregnant, again.  The complications keep compiling, one on top of the other.  I wake at night in a panic.  If you see me regularly, you might not even know that I am screaming on the inside or in so much pain that I don't want to get out of bed most days.  But that's just what moms do.  Push through.  And pray. Like, a lot.

So all of this back story ranting to bring you to my predicament.  I need your help.  Until this past February I worked on a college campus, filled with individuals from all stages of life that I could bounce ideas off of and make hard-fast decisions with.  Some of the best adventures I've taken on were brainstormed between the four walls of my former office.  Given that now I sing songs with toddlers all day and clean their faces of mac n' cheese - I figured I would take to the blog.  If you are reading this and have prayed for this baby boy, thank you.  If you would like to weigh in on the latest saga, read on and message me please.

This pregnancy has provided even MORE complications than the last, if that is even possible.  This time around, I had hardly a cervix at 14 weeks.  I started receiving progesterone shots weekly from an in-home care nurse.  I've been on modified (not strict, like last year) bedrest at home since then.  Which, is bedrest even a thing when you already have 3 kids?? :)  At 22 weeks they found a placenta abnormality that is extremely rare (of course - like, 1% rare).  And, given what my body has decided to do in the delivery room, my team has decided to do a c-section around the 37 week mark.  With each of my past pregnancies I have dilated to 4.5/5 and just sit there for about 3 weeks.  NO MATTER WHAT I DO TO PROGRESS THINGS.  Then I show up at the hospital and have my water broken and BOOM, go to 10 in a few hours to push the baby out.  They want to take me early so that my cervix doesn't have a chance to go into active labor.  But late enough that the baby will be developed for the outside world since the closest NICU is hours away.  Talk about a delicate window of time to find the sweet spot.  All of this is provided I make it past the 32 week mark - which was the goal set at 14 weeks with everything working against me.  Prayer and progesterone. It has to work.

So, I am 37 weeks on Thanksgiving day.  That's when they have things scheduled.  See - I have to call it "things" because I still cannot wrap my heart around a surgery to get this baby out.  It completely freaks me out.  I need all cesarean momma's to give me their love and TIPS. For 3 births now I have literally pushed a baby out in two pushes, and immediately nursed, peed and ate the grossest, biggest meal the cafeteria could offer. This is foreign territory to me and I can't deal.

This past week we had our anatomy scan to see how he is growing.  Best news ever...he is doing better than expected and we may have another man-child on our hands like big brother.  But I still had so much anxiety and worry for the early delivery.  I know they are trying to make sure I make it through - but it's complicated.  So I brought all of my concerns and am left with 3 options. I need to call the office with my decision.  And I literally cannot decide.

Option 1: Keep the Thanksgiving (36w6d) delivery date at local hospital

Option 2: Keep Thanksgiving deliver date, move to hospital with level 1 nursery (not NICU)

Option 3:  Move the delivery date to after Thanksgiving (more like 37w4d) at local hospital

What does a momma do to choose the lesser evil?  And this is if I make it that far, given the complications (but that's how I have to think and did last year too....I believe in the power of positive thinking and prayer.  I WILL MAKE IT TO MY DUE DATE!)  Help, friends!!