Sunshine, Rainbows and Bananas

I went to my 34 week check-up.  For the first time, I did not sugar coat how I was feeling when the nurse asked me.  I had a rough night of contractions on and off, and was feeling down-right crummy with a pounding headache still for my appointment at 3:30 in the afternoon.  The doctor came in and said the best bet would be to perform a fetal fibronectin swab test to see if I was in pre-term labor.  She was sure that the result would be negative - but without being able to check my cervix since I'm a ticking bomb - this was our only option to prove I could make it another 3 weeks.  If the test was negative, it meant staying pregnant at least 2 more weeks. If positive, I would likely go into labor within 5 days.  I got the call the next morning. Freaking positive.

I had all of my kids (my own and daycare) huddled around the breakfast table when I got the call. Gut punch. I scurried into the laundry room so the kids didn't see me cry as I talked through the next steps with the nurse.  I was shocked, as was she.  I needed to get to the hospital within a couple hours to get the first round of steroid shots for his lungs to mature more quickly.  I was familiar with these from my last pregnancy.  BUT, I was told at the beginning of this pregnancy that the shots would be out of the question this time since new research has come down since Archer's birth that indicates a stronger correlation with brain bleeds than benefit for the baby's lungs.  Cool.  I got the daycare kids picked-up and Daniel made it home for a half-day to take me to the hospital.  Between the progesterone shots and the steroid rounds I have been poked in the booty 23 times this pregnancy.  

The following day I needed to return to the hospital for the second round.  I woke up feeling even worse than the day prior with a pounding headache, so much pressure, and swollen (so I knew my blood pressure was probably up).  I asked the triage nurse if she could check my bp while I was there for the shot.  She hooked me up to the monitor to check bp and fetal non-stress.  Luckily, after a couple hours I was good to go rest at home and pray to stay pregnant until the steroid shots could work their magic.  I had three tiny goals to get to.  1.) stay pregnant until Saturday for steroid shots to work on his lungs, 2.) stay pregnant until Monday so I could get the next round of progesterone which may help carry me until, 3.) stay pregnant until the following Thursday when I would see my midwife for my 35 week checkup and make a new plan.

I swear to goodness, I don't know how I am still pregnant.  The doctors don't know how I am still pregnant.  But here we are, 36 weeks.  It's still very worrisome.  I feel like a ticking bomb.

I had my 36 week check with the doctor who will perform my c-section next week.  I despise her lack of bedside manner (that's for another post when I'm feeling ballsy).  She did check me and I am sitting pretty at 2.5cm dilated.  I seriously CANNOT go into active labor at this point.  I have one week until I get to meet his sweet face.  I need to stay pregnant for one more week.  Let's do it.

I am stuck between singing "Mama Mia, here we go again!" and "Oh, why you got to be so complicated?" (any other 90's Avril fans out there?)  But seriously, I would take a normal pregnancy any day over these complicated/worrisome ones that make my head spin.  WARNING: this is a really long post because a.) it requires back story, b.) I'm hormonal and pregnant, which means I have hardly a filter and tend to ramble. Sorry.

A little back story and reason for this post.  Three years ago (tomorrow) I had a miracle rainbow baby, Larkin Olivia.  She came after a very rough year of cervical cancer, losing a baby as a result, and recovering my mind and soul.  Followed by three rounds of fertility treatments to see those little pink lines again.  The pregnancy was perfect.  Better than perfect!  But at 39 weeks when I went in to deliver her, my entire fate of future babies changed.  I still, three years later, cannot go into all of the details about it and relive it in this way (yet).  But my midwife saved my life.  I delivered her naturally, without drugs, and then after all that my cervix had been through the year prior, I hemorrhaged and nearly died on the table.  My midwife saved my life.  It was the "medical opinion" that I count my blessings and not get pregnant again.  I should have a radical hysterectomy once I was done nursing that next year.  But a year later - we accidentally got pregnant.

Since my midwife knew what to expect in some way, we were a little more prepared for the delivery this time and we knew I would have to get an epidural at 10cm to be able to endure the pain of stopping the hemorrhaging and procedures that would likely follow delivery.  Then at 23 weeks, I had no measurable cervix.  Hey God, thanks for the curve ball.  Long story short (again - I've tried to block that emotional stress and haven't been able to lay out all of the complications that followed) - we made it to 40 weeks exactly with a lot of medical intervention and prayer.  Delivery went as expected, and I kissed death on the table once more.  The hysterectomy was rescheduled for the following December (2019) when I would be anticipated to be done nursing little miss Archer Elaina.

Anddddddd then.....9 months later we accidentally got pregnant, again.  The complications keep compiling, one on top of the other.  I wake at night in a panic.  If you see me regularly, you might not even know that I am screaming on the inside or in so much pain that I don't want to get out of bed most days.  But that's just what moms do.  Push through.  And pray. Like, a lot.

So all of this back story ranting to bring you to my predicament.  I need your help.  Until this past February I worked on a college campus, filled with individuals from all stages of life that I could bounce ideas off of and make hard-fast decisions with.  Some of the best adventures I've taken on were brainstormed between the four walls of my former office.  Given that now I sing songs with toddlers all day and clean their faces of mac n' cheese - I figured I would take to the blog.  If you are reading this and have prayed for this baby boy, thank you.  If you would like to weigh in on the latest saga, read on and message me please.

This pregnancy has provided even MORE complications than the last, if that is even possible.  This time around, I had hardly a cervix at 14 weeks.  I started receiving progesterone shots weekly from an in-home care nurse.  I've been on modified (not strict, like last year) bedrest at home since then.  Which, is bedrest even a thing when you already have 3 kids?? :)  At 22 weeks they found a placenta abnormality that is extremely rare (of course - like, 1% rare).  And, given what my body has decided to do in the delivery room, my team has decided to do a c-section around the 37 week mark.  With each of my past pregnancies I have dilated to 4.5/5 and just sit there for about 3 weeks.  NO MATTER WHAT I DO TO PROGRESS THINGS.  Then I show up at the hospital and have my water broken and BOOM, go to 10 in a few hours to push the baby out.  They want to take me early so that my cervix doesn't have a chance to go into active labor.  But late enough that the baby will be developed for the outside world since the closest NICU is hours away.  Talk about a delicate window of time to find the sweet spot.  All of this is provided I make it past the 32 week mark - which was the goal set at 14 weeks with everything working against me.  Prayer and progesterone. It has to work.

So, I am 37 weeks on Thanksgiving day.  That's when they have things scheduled.  See - I have to call it "things" because I still cannot wrap my heart around a surgery to get this baby out.  It completely freaks me out.  I need all cesarean momma's to give me their love and TIPS. For 3 births now I have literally pushed a baby out in two pushes, and immediately nursed, peed and ate the grossest, biggest meal the cafeteria could offer. This is foreign territory to me and I can't deal.

This past week we had our anatomy scan to see how he is growing.  Best news ever...he is doing better than expected and we may have another man-child on our hands like big brother.  But I still had so much anxiety and worry for the early delivery.  I know they are trying to make sure I make it through - but it's complicated.  So I brought all of my concerns and am left with 3 options. I need to call the office with my decision.  And I literally cannot decide.

Option 1: Keep the Thanksgiving (36w6d) delivery date at local hospital

Option 2: Keep Thanksgiving deliver date, move to hospital with level 1 nursery (not NICU)

Option 3:  Move the delivery date to after Thanksgiving (more like 37w4d) at local hospital

What does a momma do to choose the lesser evil?  And this is if I make it that far, given the complications (but that's how I have to think and did last year too....I believe in the power of positive thinking and prayer.  I WILL MAKE IT TO MY DUE DATE!)  Help, friends!!

The Original

Cael Thomas Rambo, the boy who made me a mother - wow, it has been a fun ride. The original owner of this piece of my heart.  We had you all to ourselves for four whole years, which was so special.  You changed me as a person in such a good way.  I feel so blessed to watch you grow and flow through all of the milestones and new adventures.  And you do it all so effortlessly that sometimes we have to take a beat to remember that you are only 6 years old, but you've always been our little man. Your imagination and creativity astound me!  When you giggle, the room can't help but smile. You are an amazing big brother. Like - better than I could have ever expected, especially given the age differences.  And when I have a baby in my tummy you are probably the most excited in the family and treat me like a queen - always hugging the baby and talking to my belly. 
You are awesome.

The Remix

My sweet Larkin Olivia, you are so beautiful inside and out. You are the smartest, sweetest and sassiest girl I have ever met.  You have been forming sentences since you could speak...so it's no surprise that you could not keep this little secret of ours.  Daddy and I laugh so hard recalling the day at your brother's baseball game that you announced to the whole stand of parents that "Mommy needs to just have a quick snack (I keep book, so she was warning them I needed to take a break from paying attention) because she has a little baby growing in her tummy and she is really hungry" :)
The struggles it took to get pregnant with you are some that I will never forget. It tested our marriage after we had just rebounded from the cancer diagnosis and treatment into remission.  To think that we were only one month away from a scheduled hysterectomy to remove any chance of the cancer ever returning - but that third round of fertility meds worked like a charm and you have been our lucky charm ever since.  I have no idea what we would do without your sweetness in our life.

The Encore

This world needed an Archer Elaina - no matter what hell fire I had to go through to get you here.  Your pregnancy and birth story is not one I am emotionally ready to tell completely yet (hence the silence on this platform).  You were a surprise pregnancy that we were so excited for from the beginning.  It took a quick turn and tested my soul and spirit more than I thought was possible.  But you have given me life everyday since I held you in my arms.  Nobody better get in your way in this life because you have already climbed mountains! It was such a blast not finding out your gender until we met you. You are happy, curious, and almost always content....everything anyone would hope for in a child!  I am in complete denial that you turn one in less than a month.  But, you were the babe that allowed me to stay home and watch every milestone happen.  We always knew if we ever were blessed enough to have a third, the costs of daycare would outweigh my paycheck enough to justify being home for a few years.  You have been the best surprise yet.


Mic Drop!

No - this was NOT supposed to happen.  In fact, the exact second that I had an inkling I was pregnant (begrudgingly setting down my red wine on the coffee table to go up and take a test) - the sound of my midwife in the delivery room almost stopped me in my tracks.  I cannot even count how many times she said to me, Daniel and my mom "we cannot do this again....you CANNOT do this again!!"  And again at my 6 week post-partum appointment, "in my medical opinion - you should not have another baby and we should schedule a hysterectomy as soon as you are done nursing next winter."  Then, guess what - positive.  Freaking positive.  To not go into too many details - I am here to personally attest that IT ONLY TAKES ONE TIME folks.  Or at least in my post "infertile" life - this has now happened TWICE.  God is funny like that.  After we wrapped our head around this, we had to go to the principal's doctor's office.  That was the craziest appointment I have ever been to.  We saw the ultrasound tech, two nurses and the receptionist.  All four looked at me worried and said "are you scared to see her (meaning Susan, my amazing midwife)"  YES!  It was terrifying!  I thought for sure she would say we needed to terminate the pregnancy.  Instead, she calmly said we needed to figure out a plan A, B and C - Z to make it through with both a healthy momma and baby at the end.  So here we go again.  This time has been scarier and harder than I could imagine.  Yes, we are so so so blessed and can't wait to be a family of SIX.  But geesh - what I wouldn't give for a normal, run of the mill, extraordinarily happy pregnancy like we got to have the first two times. I will try to muster up a post about all of the complications we have had in the last year (yes, those are still very fresh on my mind, yet somehow also memory-blocked) with Archer's pregnancy and those we have already and are likely to face this time.  It is emotional.  I am not quite myself.  I want to be excited - I AM excited.  But also worried. I already have a baby in heaven and that was unbearable.  As with the last pregnancy - the baby is growing perfectly. My body is just failing me in every way and providing new challenges that are exhausting.
We are due on December 19, but will be delivering at 37 weeks exactly (hopefully) on 
Thanksgiving Day.  Let's do this baby!!