I've been hesitant to write this post for some time now. Mostly because I ask myself...how can I re-enter the blogosphere like this? I've missed 22 monthly Cael updates, 93 weekend wrap-ups, 35 holidays, a few life updates (moving back to Ohio, purchasing our first house, etc), countless house projects, and at least 2,334,980 pictures. I've had posts waiting in the wings for over a year, that just needed a few uploaded pictures. But...here it is. The story that I have to get out, put it "on the line" as my husband would say, and shout it to the world to get it off my chest.
But first...a picture of my amazing child, splashing in the sprinkler on Mother's Day.
My fingers are on the keyboard begging to write happy things and share pictures of my beautiful family. But this story, is not a happy thing, though we are praying for a happy ending. So, here it goes.....
September, 2014
My beautiful sister Megan stood in front of family and friends to bring Andrew into our family forever. They are the happiest couple on earth. We waited patiently for the wedding during their two-year engagement. We waited for the wedding, because that's when Daniel and I knew we would start trying for another baby.
We tried, and tried, and tried. That sounds like fun, right? I can assure you that it wasn't. We became very tired and frustrated after tracking ovulation, taking vitamins, researching and talking about it constantly. And, of course it is nobody's fault when we had to cry when we said our nightly prayers because nearly every week at least one person would say, "well, you better not wait much longer to give Cael a baby sister". We wanted to shout to the world..."we're trying, damn it!" Cael happened without trying, so we tried that philosophy too.
March 26, 2015
I had my regularly scheduled pap/check-up. We went over everything and I talked at length about my concerns with our adventures in getting pregnant again. She gave me reassurance as we looked at a calendar and options if it didn't happen soon. We scheduled an appointment to check my progesterone levels at my next cycle.
Then, we went on to the regular appointment stuff...ladies, you know the drill...lay down, get comfortable (ha! that's just a joke really) and we'll only call you if something shows up. No news is good news. I distinctly remember the conversation that day...
Doc: There are new regulations that healthy women need not get a pap every year, but rather every 3-5. A year ago, yours came back fine, so I think we will wait, if that's fine with you.
Me: I'm not comfortable with that yet, until I know I am healthy. (background: I had to have a cone biopsy done in 2007 for abnormal cells...so the whole thing sort of freaks me out).
Doc: Ok, we'll check it and then when it shows up good, we can wait a few more years to do it again.
Monday, April 13, 2015: 9:00 a.m.
I go to work. I get things situated at my desk for another week. My cell phone rings while I am greeting our first family of visitors for the day. I see that it was the doctors office, and I call right back. While it is ringing, I google chat Daniel "just missed a call from the doctor. Maybe this is it? Hoping the results came back and we are finally pregnant!!" The nurse answers, and I give her my name. He voice shakes, and lowers. "Sara, I'm calling to give you the results of your pap. It isn't good. The cells are abnormal and showing signs of cancer on your cervix. Please, you need to stop all pursuits of pregnancy while we figure out the course of treatment. The surgical nurse will be calling you today to get you in as soon as possible for a LEEP procedure." I nod, tear up, and hang up the phone. My hands are shaking too bad to chat Daniel back. My heart stops.
The doctors office called back later to check on me. She reassured me that we could handle this, and there are many options. She even said (knowing that we are religious) that this was one prayer that needed to go unanswered. If we had gotten pregnant when we tried, they wouldn't have found this, and it may have killed me. I had to ask the burning question of whether or not she thought we could have children after this was treated. She wasn't hopeful. There have been cases, but not many. Cervical cancer can range from low grade to malignant, or a scale of 6. Upon initial review of my results, I was measuring very high on the scale. They would likely have to treat this aggressively, and possibly perform a hysterectomy. At that moment, I could deal with the fact that I had cancer. I could not handle the news that I would possibly never be pregnant again.
Monday, April 13, 2015: 4:30 p.m.
The surgical nurse called to schedule, and gave me the option of either the local hospital, or the larger one 1 hour away. I opt for whatever appointment is first. We get things scheduled for Wednesday, May 6...for a few reasons. That gives me time to process and get a few things situated (things that no almost-30-year-old should have to figure out, and HR things at work), and that is the last day for my students on campus. That conversation was generally sterile, with a few tears and questions. The procedure is explained, along with the idea of "hysterectomy". My heart breaks more.
Tuesday, April 21, 2015: 6:00 a.m.
I went to bed the night before not feeling well. I thought my dinner may not be settling well...but I couldn't even touch my wine (NOT normal!). I could not sleep at all. I knew this gut feeling...and had one more test in the cabinet. Sure enough...PREGNANT.
My mind is running a thousand miles per hour. Praising God because this is what we prayed for so many months. Cursing in the same breath because I know this battle will be non-celebratory and hard. I remind myself that I am "sick" (as they say). I want to proceed business as usual and start crafting the "daddy reveal"...but I know I can't. I called the doctors office and had to wait until 8:00 when they all would be in to discuss my options. I had to call Daniel...7 times...no answer. So, what does a girl do? I call my mom. Bawling. Excited. Scared out of my mind.
She calms me down and texts Daniel. I am able to get things ready for work and wake Cael up to head out the door. The doctor called back and we talked about options. There was a huge disagreement between people in the practice for what the next steps should be. The doctor: "we need to terminate and treat the mom now," the nurse: "we could wait until 20 weeks and monitor her closely," the midwife: "until we know how bad the cancer is, we should focus on the fact she is pregnant, and that this is what they wanted". My head was spinning.
By the time I get to the office, I have a text from Mom asking how I am doing. Nothing yet from Daniel. By 9:00, Mom and Paul were on their way to my house. The rest of the day was spent decompressing, trying to not get overly excited, and figuring out how to tell Daniel everything that had happened...because he had STILL not returned my calls/texts. I went ahead and made the "reveal" for Daniel, just as I had with Cael's pregnancy.
We sat at the house all afternoon/evening, watching the boys (Cael and my nephew, Waylon) play. My dad cooked a delicious dinner...one of my favorites, baked ziti. And we all prayed for the little poppyseed growing inside me.
Thursday, April 23, 2015: 11:30 a.m.
I have an appointment to meet with the midwife to figure out what is next. So many questions, hardly any answers. She basically asked me how I was with "living in limbo". Umm...I'm about as type A as they come. This is going to be torture. But, the next step is to get a look at the cervix via a colposcopy without biopsy (since there is a blueberry growing inside).
We are a praying family, and trust the Lord. That being said...to us, it was no coincidence that we got pregnant on Easter, and the due date: December 25. This was a sign. We were reassured that God was giving us one last chance to have a child before that window expired.
Monday, May 4, 2015: 4:00 p.m.
We have the scheduled colposcopy at the office headquarters (since I normally go to the branch in my town). Daniel took off work early, and we got Cael from daycare. The office is very warm and inviting, filled with every high-tech gadget you could think of and no detail went unnoticed. The children's area (separated from the adult waiting lounge) was perfect for Cael to have a snack, watch a show and read some books. The boys were happy/comfortable, which settled most of my nerves.
I got situated in the room, again...all details considered carefully, including a closet for my street clothes, peddles instead of handles for the sink operations, etc. A colposcopy is basically a microscope with a camera that goes into the body to look closely at things. They sprayed vinegar on the cervix to ignite the cancer cells, making them bubble and turn bright red. Watching all of it on the big screen in front of me was both terrifying and intriguing. Cancer is ugly. And there were a lot of bubbles. She pointed out that my glands are swollen because I am pregnant....also freaky to see under a microscope.
The doctor and nurse talked quietly about a few things, while I watched the screen. They decided to take a few biopsies from the spot that was particularly inflamed. I would wait a week to get the results of the biopsy. She was happy with what she saw and said we would just need to monitor things closely throughout the pregnancy, with the next check around 20 weeks (once per trimester) and proceed with the LEEP after delivery.
That night, I decided to post to facebook for those that had been praying for the upcoming surgery that week. By this point...I really didn't know who knew what, and didn't want to miss anyone that would wonder about Wednesday's surgery. My midwife gave some awesome advice on what to say: "just say that there has been a new development, and more tests have to be run so surgery has been postponed." The responses and love we received those next few days was so uplifting. We were able to carry on normally, and even get a little bit excited about the gift God had given us.
Friday, May 8, 2015: 7:45 a.m.
Cael was in a mood this morning to get to daycare. I was running late. My phone rings as I'm walking into the building (luckily, steps behind my boss)...it's the doctor. She asked first if I listened to her voicemail from late last night. I didn't even have a missed call (I had been watching it like a hawk waiting for the results!). I needed to be at the office immediately. I walked into my boss' office and tried to find the words, but instead broke into tears. I knew what that call meant. He knew from my face what that call meant. I literally have the most supportive work environment in the world...and so off I went to the doctor, while they handled things at the office for the day.
There is an element that is typically missing from the medicine arena...but when the conversation started with my midwife sitting across from me with tissues in her hand because she had been crying, I felt it. Human compassion. Shit just got real.
I held it together, and listened to everything she had to say. She was ready for this conversation, but since I hadn't called back last night to meet her...the emotions started to take over. She flipped the tissue box over and drew things out as she explained it all in plain terms. My cervix was showing Adenocarcinoma in situ, on the glands, and it was moving quickly. The hope is that it stopped before going into the bloodstream, but more tests needed to be run to check that.
I cannot even find the words to describe and break down the directions the conversation went from there. We had to discuss when/how to terminate the pregnancy; what steps needed to be taken to stage the cancer and treat it; and where she would recommend me go from there. That morning, she called The James Institute in Columbus, and they were ready to take my case. She didn't want to give me any false hope or sugar coat things. Essentially, there are only 11 known cases in the nation of women surviving pregnancy with this type of cancer. If it is already in the bloostream, it will move more quickly. We have to evaluate what organs it has reached, if any. So much to process.
I asked if I could see the baby. I was 8, almost 9, weeks at that point and my first prenatal appointment was that following Tuesday. She had already scheduled the ultrasound so it could be sent to Columbus. I tried to reach Daniel (again...do you see a pattern here? #teacherproblems), but without success. I even called his school to reach him. If he wanted to see our Christmas miracle, this might be the only chance. But before he arrived, I got called into the room.
I got to see the baby, and he/she was beautiful. I didn't get to hear a heartbeat. My body was starting the process of a miscarriage. My midwife wasn't sure if the biopsy process from Monday had something to do with it (since that was the first time that doctor had ever done a biopsy on a pregnant woman during a colposcopy), or if my body knew I wouldn't be able to care for this child and live through the pregnancy. Either way, it was going to be a long/painful/emotionally draining Mothers Day Weekend.
I had to head to the hospital from there, and luckily, Daniel had joined me by that point. We needed to see where the HCG levels were, and evaluate that trend again on Sunday. We couldn't move forward with surgery or treatment of this fast-moving cancer until I was no longer pregnant (HCG=0)
Saturday, May 9, 2015 & Sunday, May 10, 2015
Under the worst circumstances, this was the most perfect Mother's Day weekend I have ever been a part of. My whole family came and we stayed under one roof. My mom, dad, Megan, Andrew, Emily, Waylon, Leah and Jake all came. We laughed, cooked good food, cried, drank, and lived in a "bubble" all weekend. We watched the little boys play in the sprinklers and write with sidewalk chalk...and the big boys play cornhole and softball in the yard. The contraction and bleeding came and went, but it was hardly noticeable with all of the beautiful distractions. It was exactly what we needed at the exact right time.
Friday, May 15, 2015
I had talked with the nurses and doctors throughout the week, and my hcg levels were dropping enough to schedule surgery. We are set for Wednesday, May 20. I was scheduled at the hospital to get all of the pre-op procedures taken care of. One of the biggest concerns, was on Sunday my hcg was still not down to 0. I have to rely on things I read online for some of this journey (scary...but also very helpful since I've never actually experienced a miscarriage before this).
Answering questions like "where would you like to be buried" and "who can make life support decision for you if you are unable" are not first on my agenda for a Friday afternoon.
Monday, May 18, 2015
I am turning 30 this year. My son is turning 3. I'm celebrating 10 wonderful years with my husband. I don't want to think about this! But I have to. I look at Cael every day and fight back the tears a little harder, and get stronger. It is very true what "they" say....having a child, changes everything. My perspective is much broader than I ever imagined.
We went to our niece's baptism this past weekend. Daniel is the Godfather to both girls now, and is over the moon about it. Despite everything going on, and the emotions we are trying to process, we were happy to make the trip. I couldn't help but pray a little harder (since I was in a different church...it didn't sound so much like a broken record). And I especially got weepy when they called Peighton up to be blessed and dedicated to the Lord. In my heart...I sat in the pew, holding my stomach, and prayed that our baby would be called home. I may have never held this child in my arms, but I have felt his/her heartbeat in mine.
I'm taking the time today to finish this post and reflect on how much support and love we have surrounding us. My office is filled with flowers daily, homemade goodies, prayers chain requests, and well wishes. There are no words. I cannot begin to thank everyone for everything. I know so many things in my heart...I know THIS is why we moved back to Ohio, because this would have been way too difficult to manage with family 10 hours away. I know THIS is why I was called to work at my sweet alma home that covers me with uplifting support and understanding.
One more update, before I close this post and press "publish". I received a call today from the doctor that they will now send the results to the Mayo Clinic, not the James Center in Columbus. They are more specialized, but this also means, longer to wait for the results. Surgery is Wednesday, and with the holiday weekend in the mix...I will likely find out what is next by next Friday (May 29). I will keep this blog updated as much as possible.
Love you all.
Dearest Sara,
ReplyDeleteYou are one of the strongest bravest women I know. I am proud to call you my boss, adviser, and friend. If you need anything at all, from a helping hand, to just someone to talk to, don't hesitate to contact me!
Sending love and prayers your way!!!
You're in our thoughts and prayers. Que Dios te bendiga. Lots of love from your West Virginia family.
ReplyDeleteYou are such a beautiful person always have been. I cried reading this because it hurts to see such a great person go through such pain and heartache. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family may God comfort you thru all of this.
ReplyDeleteDear Sara, I can't make your pain go away, I can pray for you and your family. Saint Gerard is the saint we pray to for mothers. I am sure that God will carry you and hold your family in the palm of his hands. Reading your blog has left me breathless. Sara God Bless you. I'll pray for your doctors that God will guide them in the right direction for what is best for you. Love you
ReplyDeleteSara,
ReplyDeleteThis post made me a blubbery mess. I'm praying for you and keeping you in my thoughts during all of this. You are strong and you will be okay no matter what happens. <3
I John 4:18 says, perfect ( or complete love) casts out all fear. It was a stronghold for me as I walked through breast cancer. I sense this love is what you are experiencing. May it cast out all fear so that you may live every day to the fullest. Sara, your faith is inspiring. One day at a time. You have my prayers and love. (Michelle Aunt in Kokomo!)
ReplyDeleteSara,
ReplyDeleteWhat an intense journey your family has been through in the last few months, and still has ahead. You are a strong, courageous and beautiful person, with amazing friends and family surrounding you. Regardless of the outcome, your faith will guide the way. Prayers for you all will be coming from our house daily.
Love, The Calevros :-*